woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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