So drunk, too bad you don't want this
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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