Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she woke up with a sticky ear
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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