if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
