I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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