remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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