I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
