Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
third nipple confirmed
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
