I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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