was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
