chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The power of my boobs compel you
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
