Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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