did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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