piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
