More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
