so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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