I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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