I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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