If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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