and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
