How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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