It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
