I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
