My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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