youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
