I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
operation have a gay friend backfired
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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