I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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