she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
