When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
