Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There r osticjed everywhere
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
