I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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