I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize