So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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