i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
