I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize