dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Watching her eat just hurts me
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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