At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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