Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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