Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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