Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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