dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
