Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Houston, we have a blender
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
