stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
