my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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