How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
