omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
