I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I will pee on everything he values.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
