bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
They are going to name an STD after you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
