My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize