um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
