arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
