sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
