Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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