he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
