Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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