I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
