two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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