I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
