I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
