a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
