i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
